You're Gonna Carry That Weight, Faye Valentine
by Variana Croft
Summary: Faye remembers what it was like to see Spike walk away from her and the Bebop to face down Vicious one last time...But is it too late to prove to him that he was always alive? Rated PG-13 for swearing and the genre could change with time...Tell me what yo
1. Beginning

You're gonna carry that weight...  
  
I disobeyed Jet when he told me not to go after Spike that day. I disobey him a lot...But I knew. I knew he could die. Not like this...He told me he wasn't going there to die. He was going there to find out if he had ever been alive in the first place. I looked into those strange eyes of his. Two different shades of brown...One that saw his past...One that saw the now. I looked into those eyes and saw that something that made me honestly want to give up living and die right then. His soul was bruised and broken. Shattered by the loss of the strange mysterious woman, Julia.  
  
Now she was dead too and he was going to join her. Somehow I knew that he'd had enough of this life. Enough pain and suffering to last him a lifetime. I should have shot him in the knee caps when I had the chance...I should have tied him up or manacled him to the bath room railing. But he would have gotten out. That son of a bitch always seems to get out of everything; be it tight spots or doing the dishes. I leaned against a pipe, my body sagging against the coldness as I watched him walk away and averted my gaze my voice had wavered and was broken when I spoke to him.  
  
"I got my memory back, Spike...No good came of it..." He still bore that adamantine expression I had come to expect out of him as I tried not to fold in on myself and fall to the floor. He was going to be a fallen warrior...Just like Grem. Oh god, why did I mention Grem? Every time I think about him I get the overwhelming urge to bawl my eyes out. The poor guy didn't deserve what was done to him. DAMN Vicious...Damn the bastard to hell...Though I'm sure he'd enjoy himself there.  
  
These memories flash through my mind and haunt my thoughts...I hate you Spike, I remember thinking to myself as he left and I watched, powerless and yet not so. I could have killed myself and saved him a lot of gas for the Hammerhead...Jet came up behind me and dragged me away from the window and told me that the shower needed cleaning. That was the man's answer to everything. Cleaning...Or pruning those wimpy shrub things... But I did as I was told; for once and stalked towards the bathroom my eyes burning with unshed tears as I locked myself in and cradled my head in my hands.  
  
Where had Ed gone? I had now just noticed the absence of that weird kid and that even weirder mutt...They were gone. Just like everything was. Empty and yet not so...Half full with broken promises. I suddenly felt horrible about all the things I'd done to Ed and that damn dog that was even smarter then I was half the time. I was lonely for them, I realized suddenly. Lonely for that weird kid to come galloping in and poking me in the arm until I confessed what was wrong and that dog watching me with those knowing eyes. I was lonely...Lonely for the family that I had here but never had appreciated until that very second when I realized I'd lost them.  
  
I didn't notice the tears slipping down my cheeks like falling diamonds...I looked up from my crouching position and saw Jet there; leaning against the frame of the door. How had he gotten through the door? Jet offered a small smile and waved a little card in front of my face, "All access."  
  
"I could have been going to the bathroom you know..." I said in a lifeless voice as I stood up my hand resting against the railing that was used as a barrier to depict exactly where the shower and bath room separated.  
  
"Well you weren't Faye...I didn't think you'd be using it...C'mon...I'll make some dinner." He offered.  
  
"No thanks, Jet...I'm going to actually clean the shower this time." I felt my face contort with distaste but Jet merely smiled and nodded; tossing me a gun and a pager. He knew what I was up to and wouldn't stop me. He wouldn't go himself so he was letting me...I will confess for every women there ever was: Men are positively impossible when it comes to emotions and caring about one another...It challenges their masculinity...Or so someone once told me.  
  
My lips drew upward in a smile as I caught them and nodded, "I'll change and then I'll be out...I'll call you when I find him." I walked past him and down the metallic hallway to my room. (I bet you thought I slept on the couch, eh? Well I'm a woman so I automatically took the largest room...Which happened to be Jets'.) (A/N: I bet he just loved that.) I slipped into a jumpsuit and then ran out of the room and towards the launching bay. I couldn't waste anymore time as I lunged forth and jumped into the X-Raider as soon as I cleared the doors I sped towards Earth.  
  
Red Dragon...Red Dragon ___________________________ So...What did you think? Read and review please, I would truly appreciate it...If you must flame me do it. But know this: I shall haunt you until the end of your days. 


	2. Red Dragon, Red Dragon

Red Dragon...Red Dragon...  
  
It seemed like an eternity as I flew the T-Raider through space...Passing the metallic hulls of other ships...Most of them men, as you can imagine. And not all of them were had space traffic 'manners' but hey, when you're around men...Which I am, most of the time; you've got to learn how to think like them. And it's very easy to read their minds, if you know what I mean. So I reply like with like...I'm not really a favorite amongst most now, as you understand but I was in a hurry and had too...Well let's just say that Jet is going to have to pay damages for a few people's poor little shippies.  
  
I was putting the ship into overdrive but God, was it ever an emergency. I was speeding the entire way but I guess the police were all occupied with Red Dragon issue. The thought of this made my heart quicken with fear and I accelerated until I could feel my cheeks pulling back. God I hope I get there in time, I remember thinking as I careened off of the wing of yet another ship. Really, I think I should go back to drivers ed and I could tell by the shaking fists that everyone agreed with me but this was an emergency.  
  
Then guess what happened next...I got stopped by Space Security. God, I hate those guys...They always seem to show up out of no where and at times where they are least needed. I mean what is with them? I bet they have radar in their brains that tells them the most inconvenient time to show up. So...They pulled me over a fat one and skinny one, how predictable. The fat one enjoys donuts I see...There are boxes of the fattening crap littering almost the entire interior of the spacecraft and the skinny one looks too weak to even lift a leg to take a piss...Wait...Did guys actually do that? Shaking the thought from my mind I decided to use what Jet called 'womanly charms' today I'm glad to be a woman.  
  
As they pull in closer I manage a disgusted sigh as I manage to look innocent...But naughtily so. I show a little more skin then usual when I know they're looking. (Okay you guys, I actually acknowledge the fact that I am scantily clad but hey, it works and when you're tired you have less to take off.) Sure as Spike's appetite they ogle me before grinning lewdly and elbowing one another. Apparently I sparked their fancy because they both leaned forward as I held a finger to my lips. This naughty school girl routine worked like a charm they were actually drooling as they looked at me. The fat one smiled again and said in what I bet he thought was a sexy voice:  
  
"Hey honey wanna come in and see my-" He never got the chance to finish that sentence because I shouted into the speaker-com: "No way fatty."  
  
I stayed a moment more to watch spittle spurt from him; God was he disgusting, he really needed to make a LONG visit to the gym. Without a second thought I jammed the T-Raider into overdrive and zoomed past them the Space Geeks following me. I felt an Cheshire smile appear on my lips as I decided to put them threw maneuvers, "I'll make those poor idiots wish they stayed where they were, eating their damn donuts."  
  
I suddenly feinted to the right whirling upside down, soon turning into a speeding fireball as I felt the gravity of planet pull me in and I could feel my cheeks pulling back to around my ears as again I barreled in. Hey, who needs a spacelift with my kind of driving? Another money-making oppurtunity...I remember laughing inside myself but suddenly stopping and realizing that it was sick laughter...Spike could be hurt...Dead somewhere and I'm laughing?  
  
I decided to risk a glance behind me and sure enough they have to pull up because a huge cruiser is barreling through space. Another person to go bug the shit out of. Yay me! I thought sarcastically as I entered the atmosphere, looking at the bustling city below me, almost totally consumed by a shroud of smog. We ruined Earth and now we're working on all the other planets...Before I could turn my thoughts in to the Wise Old Owl in the Sky (Don't ask...Long story for another time.) I saw smoke rising from a building. Now that was NOT smog...I saw fire dying and sputtering out and I knew at once that, that was where I needed...No...Had to go. I jerked the controllers and zeroed in, my eyes straining to make out the blobs on the top of the building...Police, no doubt...Where was Spike?  
  
My stomach lurched but I zoomed towards it...I had to know. I had to see for myself that Spike was REALLY dead. I hoped I wouldn't have to see his guts everywhere...That would have been a little too much of reality for me.  
  
I had to set down somewhere so I chose a corner of the building that was still partially intact. Letting the almost-over-heated engines die I felt the ship drop down with a sickening thud and for a second I thought the X- Raider was going to fall from the building...What a glorious way to die, don't you agree? Well luckily it didn't but there were guns aimed at me and the ship and they were screaming something; muted by the inforced plexiglass. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes...My finger moving to the direction of the blue button that would remove the protective layer of plastic from me...It was moving up over my head before pausing to let me out. I shielded my face and zipped up my black jump suit to cover myself properly. Silence. I walked towards them and they didn't move now...I didn't even have to push my way through them.  
  
They parted like Moses parted the seas...Like God parted the seas but I didn't believe in him anymore. He had let me down one to many times...Please, I remember myself pleading with him, please let him be alive. The big bulky masculine bodies were still parting like a curtain to reveal two bodies...Vicious was clearly dead. Finally. A trembling smile was upon my lips as I whispered so softly that I felt the men behind me leaning forward to hear it.  
  
"You got what you deserved; asshole."  
  
Then I looked to the brown trenchcoat that held the body of Spike in it. It was riddled with bullet holes...But still...I had to see for myself if he was really dead. I knelt beside him and closed my eyes, leaning forward to whisper in his still form's ear:  
  
"Spike?"  
  
Do you have a comrade, Faye Valentine?  
  
----------------------  
  
Okay, how was it? I mean really...I took me about a month to get through my god damn writer's block so you all better like it...I know it's short for someone who toiled on it every single day but I couldn't help it. The Demon takes me sometimes. I hope you all enjoyed it...Flame me if you want but remember: Death will come more swiftly for you. By the way if you're smart you would have figured out that I put a preview of the next chapter's title at the end of every chapter...Most of them are quotes from the episodes of Cowboy Bebop that I have modified just a bit. By the way I should do my disclaimor so I don't get law suit slapped on me so I have to live in another even smaller card-board box. ^.^ Cowboy Bebop does not belong to me but the producers and the blessed person who came up with the idea...To the entire Bebop Crew, cheers for beers! Hausta La Pasta my little friendlies I have a ficcie about Spirited Away to work on! OXO 


	3. Do You Have A Comrade, Faye Valentine?

Do you have a comrade?  
  
I looked down at him, at Spike...Covered in blood and I felt like I had lost a little part of my already diminishing innocence...A little more of my naivete had been cast into the winds. And I felt my eyes overflowing with the tears I had tried not to cry as I gathered him into my arms and put my finger on his throat, searching, searching for a pulse. Oh please God...Let him live...If not for me then for...For Jet...For everyone else...Please I don't want him to die...He shouldn't have to die...And that...That was when I found it...I found a weak pulse beating in his throat and my own heart almost stopped in my chest. Tears were trailing down my face in rivers, dropping onto his still face as I managed to whisper:  
  
"Thank you..." Then my mind reassembled from the mush it had become and I laid him gently down looking to the men gathered there. I fumbled for words to say as I fought to choke back my tears...Jet...I need Jet. No, Faye...You have to take care of this yourself now. Jet will come but you have to do this.  
  
"I'm taking him to the hospital...Vicious is dead now. I want you to...No...I'll do it." My mind was just a red blur in the back of my brain as unholstered my gun and walked up to the corpse. He would never be dead unless I did it right this time...I pulled the trigger and shot him in the head...I pulled the trigger again and again until his head was nothing but a bloody round lump of flesh...Ten bullets I wasted on that bastard and yet I knew...I knew that Vicious would never die...He always came back but not this time...He couldn't possibly this time. During all this the men watched me silently there faces set in a grim demeanor.  
  
One of them came forward and he helped me but Spike in the X-Raider and I thought I'd start crying all again but I brushed them away angrily as I wrapped Spike's body in a space blanket; my gaze locked with the man's and I knew I'd never see him again but...I had this strange feeling...I can't explain it...It was so strange...It was like I was looking into the eyes of...Of Him...And I whispered softly to him as I reached out to touch his face,  
  
"Thank you..." He nodded and shuffled away as I gunned the engines and sped towards the hospital, an arm wrapped around Spike as I pulled the ship forward...I don't know how I knew where the hospital was...It was strange as I landed in front of it I felt like something had been snipped off of me...Like a string...A lifeline. Surgical technicians gathered around the ship as I landed and they snatched him from me before I could open my mouth to explain...I shot up out of the pilot seat and tumbled out of the X- Raider, afraid...So afraid that they were going to kill him.  
  
In my rush I almost forgot to lock that damn ship with me...God was I regretting bringing it with now...But no time for that...I ran after the doctors...Following them in and filling out a form so fast I pitied the person who had to file it.  
  
"What relation are you to...Mr. Spiegel?" A nurse stepped in my path and I really had to slam on the brakes or else I really would have totaled the slight woman.  
  
"Wife." The words spilled out of me before I could think and I was shocked with my answer but decided to go along with it because I knew that they only let immediate relatives visit the sick and injured.  
  
The small woman looked me over with a disapproving stare but I gazed back at her with a quiet plead in my eyes and she softened just slightly...She knew I wasn't his wife but somehow she understood...Understood that I needed to be there.  
  
"You'll have to stay in the Waiting Room while they operate on Mr. Spiegel...And I have to warn you; it will take quite awhile...By the looks of it he's pretty banged up."  
  
I nodded muzzily and stumbled towards the waiting room...Flipping open the communicator I pressed the 'REDIAL' button and watched as Jet's craggy face appeared on the screen.  
  
"Faye?" He questioned with a simple indicating word, his gaze wavering as he sought to look around, trying to get Faye to move away.  
  
"Where's Spike?" He finally asked.  
  
"Jet...He's...He's...They're operating him...Oh God...Jet please come here...I need someone else here...The hospital's name is..." My eyes searched the wall for a name and I found it as suddenly as I picked out Spike's body on the top of that building.  
  
"McGregor and Burke's Hospital Care and ER Unit."  
  
Jet nodded and worry wrinkles appeared at the corners of his eyes as he squinted at her,  
  
"You look like Hell warmed over...Twice..."  
  
"Gee thanks...Just get your ass over here alright? I'm...I'm scared."  
  
He nodded and his image flickered away, leaving my heart beating wildly as I slipped from the plastic chair I had been sitting in to the cold, cold floor. I lurched forward as I hugged myself a voice whispering out of me:  
  
"Am I...Am I going to lose him? Am I going to lose another comrade? Did I even have him when he was with us? Am I...Am I alone? Please, God...I'll do anything you want...I'll...I'll stop gambling...No...I can't do that...I'll...I'll try and be more honest..." Empty promises...All of them...My eyes closed as another tear slipped down my cheek.  
  
"I'll do the best I can."  
  
Raise me from my ashes... -----------The Author's Note-----------  
Okay...I have some people here that seem to be very addicted to meh story...And I must say...I'm very shocked and happy to hear that...Now I'm going to make a Mesmer-Ray...Anyone who reads this will become addicted to reading my ficcies...-Beams the ray at herself- FWEEE!!! I love you all! 


	4. Raise Me Up From My Ashes

Raise me up from my ashes...  
  
I spent what seemed like an eternity in that ominously silent waiting room; broken occasionally by the sound of pacing feet or the wracking sobs that came from those who had probably just recieved a message that no one wanted to take, much less believe. I sat there on that cold plastic chair that seemed to be miles and miles away from another living soul, clutching the edges of it like one who was desperately holding onto a life raft. Where was Jet? Why was he taking his sweet time getting here? Was he procrastinating to make me worry? I clenched my teeth and held back a scream of frustration, my eyes moving wildly around the room as I fought to retain my sanity. It felt so claustophobic...So small...So sad and desolate. Calm down, Faye...Calm down...You don't want them to stab you with one of those disgustingly long needles and put you away do you?  
  
I heard footsteps again and my head shot up, just far enough to see familiar looking boots. A smile was slipping away from my trembling lips as I dared a peak up through the veil of hair that obscured my face, a bit annoying, really. There he was...Jet. God, I never thought I'd ever be so happy to see that scarred and serious face of his. I shot out of my chair and before I know what my arms were doing they were around Jet and hugging him so fiercely that his voice sounded a bit tight as he spoke,  
  
"Faye, it's alright..." That voice! The masculine gruff, rumble of it washed over me in soothing waves and I only hugged him tighter...He finally gave up and I felt his brawny arms wrap around me in a slow, unsure way. He was solid as rock...Like a slab of granite that had been slowly weathered...Rough around the edges but a softer core within.  
  
"Jet...I'm scared." I whispered into the crook of his neck. Something I had never admitted to someone and now that it had escaped my lips I felt my fear and despise for myself arise within me like bile in the back of your throat when you know you're going to puke. I felt my nails digging into my palms and removed myself from him as I unclenched my fists I saw angry red half-moons etched into my skin as I took a shuddering breath and looked up at him.  
  
"It's okay, Faye. Spike will be alright." He said easily as he dropped down in a seat beside me, motioning me to sit.  
  
"But am I going to be alright? I...I remember so many horrible things, Jet...And I--I saw what Spike saw. I saw it in his eyes...You don't understand..." I suppose to him I didn't make any sense because Jet was wearing that look that guys get when they try to look intelligent but have no idea in hell what you are saying. I felt my old self rising up and I waved my hand impatiently, feeling the air push upon, and push away from it.  
  
"Never mind...Forget it."  
  
"Faye, get some sleep...We'll be here awhile." Jet said suddenly as a change of subject and I nodded and curled up with my head resting against his shoulder as I slowly closed my eyes and listened to the drone of the computers that illuminated the bespectacled techies as they registered their patients. Finally the sounds of the hospital seemed to drift away from me as I fell back into the black stretches of unconsciousness. A world of darkness behind my eyelids. ---- "He's lost a lot of blood, doctor...Do you think we can still save him?"  
  
"Of course! We just need to give him blood transfusions...Simple as that!"  
  
"But don't we need to remove all of those bullets?"  
  
"Yes, yes...Those will be no problem b--"  
  
"Some of them are really deep..."  
  
"Who is the doctor here and who is the nurse?"  
  
"Right...Sorry, sir." ---- I was dimly aware of voices talking in the background as I slowly came back to consciousness, I opened my eyes only a little and stirred until I could see the doctor and Jet conversing over a clipboard. Silently I stood and stole closer to them, standing directly behind Jet I listened in, suprisingly unheard.  
  
"Mr. Spiegel has been moved out of intensive care and is now in room 264...You and Mrs. Spiegel are now allowed to visit him but keep quiet will you?"  
  
"Thanks...Bye!" Grabbing Jet's arm she led him to the elevator. Avoiding the look of stupefication on his face until the large, powerful doors shut behind us I just fiddled with my fingernails.  
  
"Mrs...Spiegel?" He said incredulously as he glanced over at me, making my gaze turn to meet his I shrugged nonchalantly and said,  
  
"They only allow family members to visit and that was the first thing that popped out of my mouth."  
  
He still looked suspicious of me and I rolled my eyes in annoyance; elbowing him in the ribs, satisfied as a grunt of pain was drawn involuntarily forth from him. I swear...Men have absolutely no tact and even when they do have some they usually ruin it by telling the truth. That is why women are superior, I tell you!! None of you listen to Jet's side of the story; he is wrong! Sorry...Moment of hysteria.  
  
Jet and I walked down the long quiet halls, listening to the soft moans that emitted from almost every room we passed...I was starting to get impatient now but Jet...He was just walking along with a bounce in his step and I half-expected him to start whistling. Thank God he never had time to because he almost got clothes-lined by a harried nurse followed by a family that were screaming bloody murder. The lady had a nice set of pipes...Ech.  
  
Finally Jet clamped his hand around my arm and pulled me to a stop; the big lug almost made me fall on my butt. But when I turned my head to yell at him he wore a grim expression as he silently gestured towards the door...264. Jet put his hand on the door and pulled it down...I don't know why but suddenly I felt very nervous...Afraid of what I'd find beyond that door. The door slid open and silence hit my hard and for a second I couldn't breath, but I felt my feet moving, carrying me in. Spike was on the bed, silent and still...He looked like a mummy with all of those bandages on but for once I wasn't going to laugh. I'd seen him like this before...But now it wasn't funny.  
  
Quietly I came to sit upon his bed and I looked down at his face, all I could see were his eyes and they were closed. For a moment I thought that he was dead but the steady beat of the heart monitor told me that he indeed, was alive. Jet sat in a seat and looked out the window. Refusing to speak. I mustered a smile and began to sing softly to him, to Spike,  
  
"Raise me up from my ashes... Make me breath again Let me be as I've never been My phoenix, my own  
  
Erase all of the unhappy memories That haunt my head Give me love as I've never loved My phoenix, my own  
  
Raise me up from my ashes... Give breath in which to breathe But don't give me back my memories My curses, all erased..."  
  
I saw a small tear drop adorning his lashes and I bent down, kissing the tear away. As I leaned back he opened his eyes and a small murmur escaped from him. The bandages covering it muffled it and I had to lean closer to hear:  
  
"Don't stop singing..."  
  
Jet watched in silence...I could feel his gaze boring into my back but I would keep singing to him anyway.  
  
"Raise me up from my ashes..."  
  
Ganymene Ballad:Don't Stop the Music  
  
-----Author's Note----So, how'd ya like it? Kinda depressing, ne? I was listening to Smashing Pumpkins and their Adore CD...Gets me in a mood and moods get me to writing. This one's been a long time coming like the chapter two but don't worry. I wrote it didn't I? Now you can review away and tell me how much you hate it. Oh and by the way...Shin shall come back! No worries...But I'm going to use him in the later chapters. 


	5. Ganymene Ballad: Don't Stop the Music

Ganymene Ballad: Don't Stop the Music  
  
Well, I don't know why I even bothered to show any sort of emotion towards Spike whatsoever. The man must have had PMS, Post Masculinity Syndrome...Must have been a moment of feminity for him. When he was finally released from the hospital after days and days of blood transfusions he demanded to go back home, where 'home' was Jet and I weren't sure but we had a hard time guarding the X-Raider and the Hammerhead from him...He obviously wanted to go back to where Julia died, but, being me I knew he would try and do something stupid. Spike is mostly himself, the bottomless pit...He is always hungry, as usual...I have to admit though; it is good to have him back...Even if he did steal my candy bars and eat them in front of me.  
  
Jet seems happy that Spike's alright...but he barely speaks to him...he just sits there...grooming those sickly shrubby things...I caught him trying to glue a branch back on to one that he had dismembered 'accidentally'. He's such a dipshit sometimes...Honestly. Doesn't glue kill trees? A question to ponder for another time.  
  
We've been slowly drifting towards Ganymene for a while now...But Jet seems to be procrastinating; I have no idea why. There aren't any bad memories there for him as far as I know. Well, what do I care if all of the food runs out...It's not like we haven't battled starvation before, don't look at me! When I ate that disgusting old food I threw it up so that doesn't count! I remember being so bored...If Ed were here she would liven it up...Probably have a drool contest with anyone who would participate. That would be just like her. But no, she's off somewhere with her crazy father 'bringing order' back to the Earth. The next order of business has to be getting her and Ein to come back...Without them it's too quiet here. Too quiet and depressing.  
  
I hate to admit it but I actually miss having her scream in my ear to wake me up in the morning. Does that tell you how depressed I am? If it doesn't then maybe this does: I actually tried sleeping upside down like Ed does...But the blood rushed to my head and collected there and I fell down making the two idiot men rush in and trade looks between them. Apparently they thought I had lost my mind because Jet tried to play pyschiatrist on me; he trapped me in the gym (bet ya didn't believe we ever excerised didja? -eyes Jet's growing stomach and smiles evilly- Well I don't know about him but I do) and tried to do the 'I-think-you should-try-and-fulfill-your-dreams-and-stop-this-crazy-nonsense' speech. You have no idea how many times he's tried this speech on me...He hasn't even finished it yet. I think as he grows older so does his speech. Urgh.  
  
Well...After the boring span of four days we finally made our snail-slow way to Ganymene where I had a nasty run-in with jealousy...I have no idea why I was jealous of Spike and this 'new girl' of his; I suppose since I've known him longer and I know why he's hanging around with this girl that it bugs the hell out of me. I know I'm probably confusing you so I'll start at the beginning of this mess that HE created.   
  
Okay, so we're docking on Ganymene, hopefully out for a bounty head or two, to put some food on the table. While Jet and I are arguing over who gets the Swordfish Spike goes off to help this girl who was getting 'mugged' by this bulky looking guy. You know, like those musclemen that were bullies in third grade that knocked up all of the senior class in high school. That type of guy. A few badly thrown punches earned him a hard landing on his ass and some birdies flying around his head and the girl was hanging all over Spike...So they walked away and I felt the evil monster of jealousy flaming in me. Why was Spike doing this? Didn't he know that doing stupid things like this wouldn't ease his pain over Julia? Obviously not...Julia was an addiction; I see that now. She was like chocolate...Or alcohol. Dangerous to the health but necessary to live. When I met her I had a faint inkling of what she was...And I think she knew what was going to happen to her and Spike. Why she didn't stop it I suppose I'll never know.  
  
While I glared after Spike I decided to do something stupid. Hey, if he can do it, why can't I, right? I told Jet he would get the Swordfish if he took me to the Grand Horacio Music Hall. I could tell he'd heard of it because his eyes clouded over and he clammed up when I asked him what was wrong. Lots of places hold memories for ol' Jet Black. The Black Dog that bites and then never lets go. Interesting but accurate way of looking at it. Well, anyway he could tell I was steaming over Spike so he agreed without argument. You see, Grand Horacio Music Hall was in the decrepit part of this town we were in; prostitutes did their rounds outside and inside young and struggling bands and singers would try to get the attention that they needed to sell a rec chip. I used to frequent that place and I knew lots of people...I wanted to sing again.  
  
So here I am...angry and feeling like a piece of crap when I walked into the Hall and practically pushed the band that was singing off the stage. I noticed an old music friend of mine sitting in the audience and I swear to God I saw her smile...just a little. I ordered a band that had the old-fashioned Fender guitars and the drum sets to get their asses up onto the still-shiny wood that was slowly rotting away. They actually took my direction and I told them the song...I saw a smile on their faces. They knew it. Good. Taking the mike I clasped it between my hands and began to sing out a song I had heard a long time ago,  
  
"Hold on to me love  
  
You know I can't stay long  
  
All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid  
  
Can you hear me?  
  
Can you feel me in your arms?  
  
Holding my last breath  
  
Safe inside myself  
  
Are all my thoughts of you  
  
Sweet raptured light  
  
It ends here tonight  
  
I'll miss the winter  
  
A world of fragile things  
  
Look for me in the white forest  
  
Hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)  
  
I know you hear me  
  
I can taste it in your tears  
  
Holding my last breath  
  
Safe inside myself  
  
Are all my thoughts of you  
  
Sweet raptured light  
  
It ends here tonight  
  
Closing your eyes to disappear  
  
You pray your dreams will leave you here  
  
But still you wake and know the truth  
  
No one's there  
  
Say goodnight  
  
Don't be afraid  
  
Calling me calling me as you fade to black..."  
  
I heard applause...I opened one eye and then the other. I glanced around...people were clapping. People were SMILING. I haven't lost my touch yet... I remember thinking before I whispered the next song to the people behind me that this was better than staring into Spike's unreadable eyes. The song I sang was angry...I was furious. I sang the song...so violent that I could feel the people around me draw back. I didn't care. This song was mine. I poured all the hatred, sorrow, jealousy, and worry into that song and it blasted out of me and into that microphone.  
  
"Tears of the feeble  
  
Hands of the slaves  
  
Skin of the mothers  
  
Mouths of the babes  
  
Building up towers  
  
Belongs to the sky  
  
When the whole thing  
  
Comes crashing down  
  
Don't ask me why  
  
Under the shelf  
  
The shelf of the sky  
  
Two eyes, two suns  
  
Too heavenly blinds  
  
Swallowing rivers  
  
Belongs to the sea  
  
When the whole thing washes away  
  
Don't run to me  
  
I'll be going down  
  
For the rest of the Slide  
  
While the rest of you  
  
Harvest the gold  
  
And the wreck of you  
  
Is the death of you all  
  
And the wreck of you  
  
Is the break  
  
And the fall  
  
I'm the wreck of you  
  
I'm the death of you all  
  
I'm the wreak of you  
  
I'm the break and the fall  
  
Under the red   
  
Break of the lights  
  
Heroes in stretches  
  
Inch to the site  
  
Blowing the pieces  
  
Belong to the wind  
  
When the whole thing  
  
Blows away  
  
I won't pretend  
  
I'll be going down  
  
For the rest of the slide  
  
While the rest of you  
  
Harvest the souls  
  
And the wreck of you  
  
Is the death of you all  
  
And the wreck of you  
  
Is the break  
  
And the fall  
  
I'm the wreck of you  
  
I'm the death of you all  
  
I'm the wreak of you  
  
I'm the break and the fall  
  
Behind the blood red break of  
  
Lights  
  
Lies the wreck of you for the rest  
  
Of your life  
  
And the wreck of you  
  
Is the death of you all  
  
And the wreck of you  
  
Is the break  
  
And the fall  
  
I'm the wreck of you  
  
I'm the death of you all  
  
I'm the wreak of you  
  
I'm the break and the fall...."  
  
I didn't want to open my eyes...I could feel tears behind my closed lids. I clung to the microphone stand; exhausted. When I opened my eyes more people had come in from outside. Pimps and their hookers...beggars...other bands...my old music friends...and Spike was in a dark corner. He was watching me with a strange expression on his face. I pretended not to notice him as I smiled weakly to the loud clapping and hoots of encores. I kissed the band that played with me and shakily walked off the stage. Spike was coming at me but I was intercepted by the woman I'd seen earlier. Arissa. She was a pretty woman with long, long white blonde hair and piercing green eyes.   
  
"That's a lot of angst you've got pent up inside of you...now where did you get it all?"  
  
I offered her a small smile and answered quietly,  
  
"You don't want to know...how's it been Arissa?"  
  
She knew me well...and knew that I was dodging a subject I'd rather not talk about. At all. Period. She simply tossed me one of those knowing looks and sighed softly before shrugging,  
  
"Same old, same old...I've seen better days, Faye Valentine...you haven't aged a day since I've seen you."  
  
I shrugged nonchalantly,  
  
"Yeah, well what can I say? Flying at break neck speeds through space does give one a nice face...especially after all the pulling it goes through. Who needs plastic surgery?"  
  
She laughed softly and hugged me quickly before murmuring in my ear,  
  
"Be good...see you later. I've got things to do. And so do you."  
  
She disappeared on me. Just like that. Spike had stopped and had clomped over to the entrance...he went out the door so I walked out; pretending to be surprised to see him there. Obviously he didn't want me to know that he'd been in there. I snorted in annoyance before going out completely. Upon seeing him I arched a brow and I felt my eyes narrowing,  
  
"What are you doing here? I thought you were off having yourself a good time with that little pre-schooler."  
  
Spike rolled his eyes and lit a cigarette; I watched it bob up and down as he began to talk,  
  
"She bored me. I don't want to listen about the newest fashion craze. I heard someone squawking away in there...God it hurt my ears."  
  
Red blurred my vision and my hand swung out and I slapped him so hard he staggered...in slow motion the cigarette flew from his mouth and landed on the ground where it lay in a sprinkling of ashes. Then everything slowly started speeding up again. Spike didn't look surprised. He seemed to know that he'd gone way too far. But I screamed at him with my worn out voice anyway,  
  
"HOW DARE YOU, YOU BASTARD! THIS IS HOW YOU THANK ME FOR SAVING YOUR WORTHLESS LIFE!? AND HERE I WAS ACTUALLY THINKING THAT MAYBE FOR ONCE YOU COULD ACTUALLY JUST UNDERSTAND...BUT FORGET IT!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!? YOU'D JUST RATHER WALLOW IN YOUR ARROGANCE AND YOUR DEPRESSION! FINE! GO AND GET YOURSELF SHOT IN THE HEAD! SEE IF I CARE...IF I EVER CARE AGAIN!"  
  
People were staring at me but I didn't care. I was so mad...so hurt at what he said that I didn't even wait for a nasty reply I just ran. Ran as far away from him as I could. I pushed people out of my way; eyes blurred by tears. The bastard always made me cry...god dammit! Running down an alley I curled up in a dark corner underneath a metal staircase and buried my face in my hands.  
  
"I hate you."  
  
Running Away From Me  
  
=====  
  
Yes...yes...it took me a hell of a long time to finish the fifth chapter but here it is. Sorry everybody...got wrapped up in all this other crap. But hey! Got this chapter and it will keep getting better from here. You guys want me to do the next chapter with Spike talking? Email me or tell me through reviews. 


	6. Running Away From Me

**Running Away From Me**

I knew the words were wrong as they escaped my mouth. I saw blind pain cloud her eyes...and then I saw the hatred set in...Those chartreuse eyes of hers were burning with anger and hurt and I half expected them to turn red. Expected her to go for my throat...instead she went for my face. Her open-handed slap sent me reeling and for a moment little fuzzy teddy bears in pink tutus were dancing around my head. Waving them away I saw her blurry shape running away from me. She was running away...from me. That was a first. I shook myself; dazed and then lurched after her. My feet pounding on the pavement as I imagined myself a stream-lined jet...even water. That's right...a tsunami...Poseidon's great hand reaching out to grasp at some fleeting object. And that object was Faye.

I stopped for breath...inhaled deeply...and then it began. I knew I'd been a bastard but God...I couldn't let the woman on to me. I'd been watching her for some time now...wondering why she'd saved me. And why I had lived instead of died as I had so craved. I still do not know why I am alive...I didn't have a reason to be with Julia dead. So Faye saved my life...so what? Did I ask for her to do that? Did I ask her to bring me to that hospital where all those doctors poked and prodded me for hours on end; deciding if I should live or die or become another organ donor...thingy? Yeah, so I'm being a ridiculous bastard I'm allowed that much aren't I? Who's been shot up with bullets and all kinds of drugs that most of humanity hadn't even heard of? Who's lost the god damn eyeball, huh? Me, me, me, me fuckin' me! I've earned the right to whine about my problems...after all; women are interested in FEELINGS aren't they? Well, there ya go. Nice fresh feelings out of the oven and into a large bonfire that wouldn't stop burning up my chest inside and out.

It hurts almost too much to think about all the things that have happened to me, granted but someone has to think about it. I'm not a coward...I'm not a pacifist...I'm not a murderer...okay, okay so maybe...maybe I am but isn't everyone their own personal monster beast of burden? It feels like I've been carrying ten Bebops on my back for all these years. I've had some kooky-ass adventures here with Jet, Faye, Ed, and Ein...they have become my surrogate family. Sure, Faye's an annoying, stealing, free-loader who eats my food and wears my shirts but she's become different lately. Maybe we're all finally growing up...or maybe I'm just becoming more attentive because I'm not so 'fixated' upon Julia. I loved that woman you know, I loved her so much I sometimes didn't know why. She took me in like a stray dog and maybe that was all it was but...no...she was an extraordinary woman. But I've been around two of her kind all this time and I haven't really noticed.

Edward was this weird little kid that used to follow me around and ask me about fifty million questions...tireless. She always wanted to know what I was doing and why I was doing it. Soon enough I answered her without thinking about it...it was past annoying. And now that I've noticed that they're gone I kind of...miss them. Her and that weirdo dog, Ein. I swear the two of them could take over the world. Especially that silly mutt. He's pretty cool for a dog. Alright, alright I won't take that long trip down memory lane with those two because then I'll get all sappy. Can't afford that now can I?

I can, however, afford to take a short trip down memory lane with all the crap that's been happening between me and Faye. Maybe if I recount it to you it won't seem Maybe I'll finally get everything straight but nothing seems to get through this thick skull of mine...except maybe the concept of food. Never mind, I'm getting off-subject again. I can't help it if I keep wandering...my mind just drags me in about three million directions at one time...later on when I get to sleep it all comes zooming back into my skull. Gah! There I go again. Okay...now...on subject!

When I was going after Vicious the only thing I could see were my feet in front of me...everything was red otherwise. I was so angry that I couldn't even think straight...all I knew was rage and indignation that the bastard had triumphed over me and had taken something precious away. I didn't like that. Nope, didn't like it one bit. In fact, I didn't like it so much that I was already visualizing myself torturing him...making him taste his own blood before cutting his tongue out...watching him scream and choke and sputter. I felt like the rabid dog that Vicious often described us as...and that day I was. I was a monster and I always have been, always will be. It felt as though the control I'd had, had just snapped in two and that every rational thought had gone down in a tsunami of regrets and memories. The memories were enough to almost cripple me. ME, Spike Spiegel for chrissakes!

I lied to Faye when I told her that I wasn't going to Vicious to die...I think just about everybody knows that. I wanted to die...and I think even she saw through that one...why else would she come after me and rescue me? Why else? All I could think about was killing him...but not before letting him get off a fatal shot at me. The classic death, doncha think? The honorable cowboy dying in battle...okay, so I wasn't exactly in my head at that exact moment. I think the word I'm searching for here is delusions of grandeur. And that basically describes it all...a delusion. I just wanted to confess that to someone since everyone thinks I'm a great big bastard for saying what I did to her...to Faye.

I can't let her onto me...no matter what. She made me feel...something...back there in that hospital when she sang to me it was too much. Too much emotion and too much trust. I didn't deserve that; at least not from Faye. Why did she trust me like she so obviously did? Why did I like that she trusted me? When she sang to me it didn't remind me of Julia. I've stopped comparing one to another now. I know that Julia is just herself and that Faye...Faye is something else. I never knew quite what to make of her. I always figured she could take care of herself as long as she didn't eat MY food and steal MY money. But obviously she did that so...why? I've had a lot of questions to ask since coming back from the dead and no one has taken the time to answer them yet. I don't understand why Faye treats me like she does...I don't understand why Ein and Ed left us. I don't...understand much I guess. Maybe that's the way it ought to be. Uninformed is just fine with me...I don't mind it. Well, not really anyway.

That day in the hospital when I let myself cry Faye kissed that damned tear away and she's left me a mess ever since. I can't even smoke a cigarette without thinking about her. What's happening to me? Please don't tell me I got shot in the butt with one of those...cupid arrow thingers. I don't want to be in love with Faye Valentine. And yet, I feel strangely used to the idea. Why do I keep contradicting myself? Suddenly I don't think I know what I want anymore and that's a little frightening. Imagine; I'm scared. What a joke.

I felt ridiculous chasing after Faye...I didn't even want to but I was...my feet were carrying me faster and faster and I felt a desperation rising up inside of me that I hadn't felt in so long. I was going to lose her...that thought...so ridiculous and unfounded sent me careening through the alleyways, knocking over trash cans and tripping over bodies sprawled out on the dirty ground. Panic...severe panic...I couldn't stop 't 't think.

I needed to get there...needed to find her so I could handcuff her to me and then lecture her for hours on end...but that's not how I would act. I would be reserved and closed off...I'd stare at her and ask her why she slapped me. I could hear the conversation in my head as I ran and it wasn't pleasant. I could hear her voice...sound bytes of it taken from past conversations. Past arguments that stuck with me through time...it was strange that I could remember every conversation I'd had with Faye leading up to the first day I'd met her. Her voice was burning into my memory like one of those cattle brands that crazy cowboy guy had at his place. I tripped once and fell but luckily my hand caught me and I kept running, my hand stinging as I wiped it off on my jacket.

It smelled horrible down there...my stomach was already threatening to empty itself of my breakfast and lunch...but I kept going. I finally stopped running as I reached a dead end and looked around...where could she have gone? My eyes came to rest upon the metal stair case and I saw the familiar flash of chartreuse eyes and her voice came out to haunt me again. **"Go away, Spike..."** My eyes narrowed and I growled in annoyance, **"C'mon Faye...get out of there..."**

She wouldn't do it; I knew. I drew closer and knelt down, expecting my hand to be snapped off...nothing. Reaching into the darkness I dragged her out, my fingers digging into her arm. She was struggling to get away from me, hissing and swearing. I wouldn't let her go and finally dragged her up to her feet and shook her, hard. I could see the anger flashing in her eyes...she intended to smack me again. Her hand was raised and it came down again but I caught it and she snarled and struggled to get away from me again. **"You're hurting me! Let go!"**

**"NO! Look, Faye I'm sorry I insulted you and everything but..."** See, I've got this thing about apologizing...I don't do it a lot and I guess she figured that out because she was glaring at me as though I were the most disgusting creature she'd ever seen. Needless to say I didn't really like that...I had to explain something to her...had to...

_Something isn't right here and I know that it's me._

_I know the things I've done are cruel and I know that something isn't right..._

_The words that come out of me aren't my own..._

_I'm not who I used to be and now I've ruined everything..._

**"I'm just...sorry." **I said softly and my gaze slid away from her...I couldn't look at her...didn't want to see her expression.

**"Spike...please..."** She muttered pitifully, still trying to break away from me...I wasn't going to let her go. God dammit I'm so weak. So pitifully, disgustingly weak. I drew her into my arms and I held her there in silence and I couldn't let her go...I have wanted this for so long and now I didn't know what to do once I'd done that. I inhaled the scent of her hair, heard the rapid beating of her heart. Her arms wrapped around me then...and I felt...peace. An overwhelming sensation that I hadn't felt in such a long time and now that feeling was back...and I was with Faye.


End file.
